Relationships take a lot of effort to be successful. Sure, there are those moments where everything seems in sync and effortless, but when it comes to the stuff we have to do for running a household (getting bills paid, laundry, etc.) that’s all work. It doesn’t matter if you’re living with a family member, a spouse, a significant other, or roommates. These are the very things – these daily life tasks – that can be negatively impacted by executive dysfunction or other aspects of neurodivergency. Examples range from difficulty with unexpectedness (ASD), difficulty with spontaneous sharing (ASD & ADHD but in different ways), or remembering things said or promised (ADHD). Most of the challenges I have heard from mixed neurotype households are in regards to chores and communication. So, while, yes, being neurodivergent is the reason these things are hard, it doesn’t mean we should give up on ourselves. We just have to figure out how to navigate around those obstacles. It is important to communicate the challenges in neurodivergent-affirming language while seeking to come up with solutions. Below is an example of communication regarding difficulty with time management.
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Scenario: Taylor is outgoing and loves to explore, but their partner Dahlia ends up staying home and doing most of the cleaning and “adulting.” She’s never talked to Taylor about how unfair this feels so she wants to talk to them about it. Dahlia brings up having a “house meeting” to do some collaborative work.
Dahlia: Looks like your last agate-hunting trip was successful.
Taylor: Yeah, I got some good ones! (pulls out their agates to admire)
Dahlia: I love seeing you happy and I always want to make sure you get to do things you love AND we need to balance out some home chores too.
Taylor: (feeling instant shame and some RSD begins spiraling) I KNOW, OK. I’m sorry I’m just no good at that stuff and you are.
Dahlia: (Hands Taylor a fidget) I didn’t mean to upset you – this is why it’s really hard for me to bring these things up to you – you start shutting down. I feel helpless when you say you know these things and then just say you’re no good at them because then I don’t know what to do about it. I want us to work together to figure it out. Can we do that? Do you need anything to help you talk it out with me?
Taylor: Can you tell me more about what your expectations are? Talks like this just remind me of my parents yelling at me all the time. I felt like they expected me to be perfect.
Dahlia: I for sure can. Right now I do the dishes, laundry, vacuuming, bill paying, and social plans for the two of us. You do the cooking and your own social plans like the rock hunting trips. It would help and feel more fair if you took on one of the other household chores. I know you hate vacuuming because of the noise, but what about if you did some of the laundry? Even just one load per week would be helpful and then maybe we could build from there.
Taylor: (pulling out there phone to set a reminder) Yeah, I can do that. Can we do a video of how to do the laundry so I do it right?
Dahlia: We can, but I also think it’s okay for you to just do it however you used to do your own. Remember, I’m not as picky about it as your mom was. Do you still want a video?
Taylor: Well, maybe not. Can you help by reminding me until it becomes routine?
Dahlia: Yeah. But I worry you’ll think I’m nagging you. Do you want me to remind you every Thursday night – will that be ok or will that feel like nagging?
Taylor: Let’s start there. I’ll do my best to not get defensive when you remind me.
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The above scenario is one way a discussion could go for improving home life. These discussions are not easy to start but are critical to running a mixed neurotype household. The ND person has to be open to growth and support and the non-ND person or person with different executive function challenges needs to be open to communicating and flexing around both people’s needs. Remember, as humans we are interdependent with each other and we need to practice this even in our own households.
