So it has been one of those weeks.
Conflict in the news, in school and in the family. It happens; even when we try our best to avoid it.
So what follows is my personal opinion. It does not necessarily reflect current wisdom, thoughts of trained professionals, pundits, political correctness, employers, the wife and the cat’s connection to reality. I am solely responsible for these thoughts. Ummmmm, maybe I should also blame Dad and Mom, my brothers, those ratfinks in Junior High and High school. While I am at it I should include that sociopath I reported to in the Navy and some of those ethically challenged organizations I worked for… and… and… and…
Maybe we aren’t simply one thing. Maybe we bring with us all of our experiences, good – bad – traumatic – life changing, that have occurred over our entire lives. These experiences color our expectations and perceptions. I don’t believe that process is a conscious decision. Our life experiences create the ocean in which our thoughts and feelings exist. [Maybe not the best metaphore but go with the flow.] This ocean is so present in our life that we may not even recognize or acknowledge it’s existence. Yet it effects how we react to situations in our life and sometimes those reactions are not conducive to resolving conflict.
I read in the news about a woman who was fired for an email she sent. My expectation was that it was a rant or sexually explicit, perhaps a diatribe against the organization. On reading the article I found that she was fired for using CAPITALS and the color red. It was a memo to personnel in the company reminding them of an action that needed to be completed. Her manager felt she was yelling at people and making them feel bad therefore creating a hostile environment so he fired her.
In school conflict can arise between students, faculty, and administration; you pick the combinations and permutations.
In our personal life just include everyone you know, might know, or will know in the future. Because to deny that conflict is possible will create in unrealistic expectation that will make the inevitable worse.
Why is there conflict? Why can’t everybody just get along? (Thanks Rodney, I’ve often had the same thought) I think one possiblity for conflict, simply stated, is a failure in expectation. Think about how often you might use that word. I expect you to listen; I expect you to follow my rules; I expect you to read the directions; I expect you to be on time; I expected you to understand; I expected you to read my mind and understand my needs you inconsiderit, thoughtless (&*^%&!!. Ooops, sorry – that was a memory from my past.
Another possibility is an unresolved fear which is triggered either consciously or unconciously by the other person. In fact, whenever we overreact, we can be almost certain that we are projecting or displacing an unresolved fear from the past onto a present situation. If a fear is an ongoing anxiety that has no apparent cause, realize that it is most likely a symptom of some hidden fear. If so, it may be wise to see a trained counselor to help you find and resolve the cause. Until we face and understand what is hidden inside us we cannot comprehend our reactions.
My father was unable to understand my older brothers behavior. My brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia, but I believe it was more a case of arrested emotional development. My brothers response to situations mirror those of a 6 to 8 year old. By the time my brother was 15-16 years old my father could not tolerate his behavior. What really drove my dad nuts was the fact that my brother was extremely intelligent. I believe that in my fathers mind if a person was intelligent then inappropriate behavior was done on purpose. Consequently my brother was given frequent beatings. A memory I recovered was of me laying in bed at night holding my younger brother while listening to my older brother scream. Around the age of 16 my brother disappeared. We weren’t allowed to mention his name or ask where he was. He reappeared briefly at the age of 18, joined the service and was discharged a few months later as mentally unsuited, returned home and then was committed to a mental hospital. He ran away and disappeared again. During this time my brother was never mentioned or discussed at home.
Unresolved fear – I grew up believing, NO, knowing at a fundamental level that any conflict or disagreement would end with my losing everything. At home I could not argue with my father, because I believed implicitly, at in unconcious level, that it would result in a beating and then disappearing like my brother. When I grew older and left home I was encapable of participating in any discussion that I percieved would lead to conflict. I could not speak before groups about anything that I felt strongly about with out my throat literally closing off. After I married and we had discussions at home I would withdraw and could not respond. My wife would be terribly hurt thinking it meant I didn’t care. What was worse, I could not explain why because I didn’t know myself. I had buried those fears so deep I had no memories of the events that had caused them.
REACTIVE – When dealing with conflict it is very important to understand the meaning of this word as it relates to human interaction.
Main Entry: re·ac·tive Pronunciation: \rē-ˈak-tiv\Function: adjective
1 a: of, relating to, or marked by reaction <reactive symptoms> <a reactive process> b: capable of reacting chemically <highly reactive materials>2 a: readily responsive to a stimulus <the skin of the geriatric is less reactive than that of younger persons — Louis Tuft> b: occurring as a result of stress or emotional upset especially from factors outside the organism <reactive depression>
I cut this from an article by Copethorn McDonald I found on the web. For the complete article on the description of the brain structure visit: http://www.wisdompage.com/FlawsinMentality.html
Reactive Emotions — Reactive emotions and emotion-driven actions helped early humans to survive and reproduce in primitive circumstances. Today, however, strong human emotions distort a person’s sense of relative importance and often lead to inappropriate behavior. It works like this: The thalamus acts as a relay station for raw sensory input data. It sends this data both to the neocortex for detailed (but relatively slow) processing and directly to the amygdala, where it is evaluated in a crude but more immediate way. The amygdala monitors all the sensory data passing through the thalamus for threats to the person. If its hardwired programming detects a danger of some sort, it puts the brain in crisis mode.
Some of these crisis messages cause physical things to happen, such as the release of fight-or-flight hormones, the tightening of muscles, and the release of brain chemicals that heighten alertness. At the same time, a feeling is presented to consciousness — say, of fear, anger, hatred, greed, or jealousy — as determined by the amygdala’s rough-and-ready analysis of the sensory data. Sometimes, a powerful emotion leads to immediate action. The person acts before the more comprehensive and sophisticated, but slower, cortical evaluation process has been completed. At times, this kind of immediate, reactive behavior might save an endangered life; at other times, it results in great harm and profound regret. A mark of emotional intelligence, development, and maturity is the ability to delay acting until the cooled–out second opinion from the frontal lobes of the cortex has reached consciousness. Unfortunately, some people treat emotions as action imperatives and react on impulse in situation after situation. They have not learned that emotional feelings are simply messages from the limbic brain to the conscious mind, to be ignored or acted upon as other brain processes (intellect and intuition) dictate.
Me again:
When a person is trapped in a reactive state you cannot, CANNOT, reason with them. Signs of being reactive can include, but are not limited to:
- Raised voice and inability to calm down
- Screaming
- Repetitive statements
- Disconnect from reality
- Apocalyptic words: Always, Never, Hate you forever
- The calmer you try to be the more emotional their reaction
- Withdrawing, possibly to the point of stupor
- Playing the victim
- Quick to lose their temper
- Significant mood swings
- Prone to anxiety attacks
- Often overcome with sudden tearfulness
- Become flooded with unwanted feelings
- Say or do things they’re embarrassed about later
Are you aware of your emotional triggers leading to reactivity?